


It’s not the same without you

by CharlotteSays



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-09-19 13:07:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17002239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharlotteSays/pseuds/CharlotteSays
Summary: Post Oak-Room fic“Therese was seated at the table, left alone to attempt to gather her thoughts and slow her breathing before she heard footsteps approaching and she knew, she just knew who was behind her because she could smell that damn perfume. The perfume that brought back all of the memories, the lunch that made Therese love her name spoken in that exotic, low voice, the makeup, the song that she could never listen to because it brought her to tears every single time, the night they spent together that Therese had to push out of her memory because it was so wonderful and yet so tragic.”Because apparently I can’t write one thing at a time:)





	1. Would you?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so, I know I have another fic on the go but Carol has just been added to Netflix and I got a flash of inspiration after watching it for the millionth time. I’ve always wanted to try a post oak room fic so I’ve written one chapter and we’ll see where it goes I guess?
> 
> I will definitely try to update the other fic by tomorrow, I’ve been overloaded with essays over the past couple of months so I’ve had no time but I’m going to try!! Anyway, I’m rambling sorry.
> 
> Basically, this chapter is just the last scene of the film leading onto what I think happens next. It might be rubbish but I’ve had a go and I guess we shall see what happens. (Also, please forgive any spelling errors I’ve proof read it several times but sometimes I don’t pick them up haha)
> 
> Charlotte<3 Xxx

Therese had known from the minute she had set eyes on Carol, on that cold morning in a department store that she hated, that something had started. What happened after that was nothing Therese could have ever imagined possible, love and desire had developed so rapidly only to be squashed just as quickly by reality. Then, replaced by a loneliness so painful it hurt to live, to breath, to act like she wasn’t constantly hurting around others. Therese didn’t feel any resentment or hatred towards Carol though, it was impossible. She had tried, thought it might dilute the sadness that surrounded her but she just couldn’t. It wasn’t Carol’s fault and could never be her fault.

It just hurt.

And yet Therese found herself at the Ritz, meeting the woman who had broken her heart because she was curious, intrigued as to what Carol would say to her. Months had passed without a word exchanged, apart from one silent phone call that ended in silent tears and a promise to herself that she would try to forget this woman. This beautiful woman. 

Therese was seated at the table, left alone to attempt to gather her thoughts and slow her breathing before she heard footsteps approaching and she knew, she just knew who was behind her because she could smell that damn perfume. The perfume that brought back all of the memories, the lunch that made Therese love her name spoken in that exotic, low voice, the makeup, the song that she could never listen to because it brought her to tears every single time, the night they spent together that Therese had to push out of her memory because it was so wonderful and yet so tragic. Everything came rushing to the surface, making her question every reason that she had for sitting at that table and then she saw the eyes and those cheekbones and the hair that looked soft but felt softer when you ran your hands through it and those lips that were always covered in a shade of lipstick that Therese liked to call ‘Carol Aird Red’ because there was nothing else quite like it. Everything was Carol. 

“I wasn’t sure you’d come. It’s nice of you to see me.” Carol said, as she put her bag on the chair next to her. Therese noticed her hands were trembling slightly.

“Don’t say that.” She replied, looking up as Carol pulled the chair from underneath the table.

“Do you hate me, Therese?” Carol asked once she had sat down. Therese started at her in disbelief, Carol really didn’t know her at all if she believed that Therese could hate her.

“No. How could I hate you.” She said, more flatly than she had intended as she saw a glimpse of hurt flash across Carol’s face before she composed herself again. 

“Abby tells me you’re thriving, you’ve no idea how pleased I am for you. And you look very fine, you know?” Therese saw Carol’s eyes flick up and down briefly before returning to her face, her hands clasped under her chin she looked almost ethereal underneath the lights. “It’s as if you’ve suddenly blossomed” Carol continued, “Is that what comes of getting away from me?”

Therese could barely let her finish her sentence. “No.” She replied shortly, a flash of anger and indignation shot to the surface as Carol tried to joke about the hurt and pain she’d left Therese with. Carol looked almost proud of Therese at the appearance of fury, as she continued to look at her with a mixture of sadness and longing in those grey eyes. Eyes that could tear Therese apart with just one glance. Finally Therese couldn’t stand it. “What?” She asked Carol, forcing her out of her daydream as she continued to watch Therese.

“Nothing.” Carol replied, looking away and down at the cigarette case for a moment before taking one out with trembling hands. Looking down with a resigned sigh, Carol tried to form the words which she so desperately needed Therese to hear. “Harge and I are selling the house. I’ve taken an apartment on Madison Avenue.” She said, offering Therese a cigarette as she had done at that lunch months ago. Therese had taken one then, but this time she turned it down. Things had changed after all. Carol continued to speak, “And a job, believe it or not. I’m going to work at a furniture house on fourth avenue as a buyer.” She lit the cigarette, sighing as soon as she took the first drag. 

“Have you seen Rindy?” Therese asked quietly, surprising herself with the obscure, unrelated question. 

“Once or twice. She’s living with Harge.” Carol sighed, her face racked with pain as she thought about her daughter. “It’s the right thing.” Therese took a sip of her tea, unsure of how to proceed, until Carol steered the conversation back to relatively safer territory. “Anyway, the apartment’s a nice big one. It’s big enough for two. I was hoping you might like to come live with me, but I guess you won’t.” Carol, who had been looking down at her cigarette placed precariously between her two fingers looked upwards suddenly, staring into Therese’s eyes once again. “Would you?” She asked, her lips barely moving as she continued to look at Therese questioningly. 

Therese took a while to answer, she thought she knew what she wanted and yet sitting here, opposite the woman who had broken both of their hearts she just didn’t know. Therese had spent months waiting for Carol but now she was finally sat in the position she’d wanted to be in for months, it was impossible. And then before she could stop herself she said, “No, I don’t think so.” 

“I’m meeting some people at the Oak Room at nine. If you want to have dinner? If you change your mind I think you’d like them.” Carol said, her voice breaking halfway through the sentence before she composed herself and sat up a little straighter, as though that could convince Therese to change her mind. Therese shifted a little in her seat, looking down at the floor and then back up slowly towards Carol as she sat completely still in her chair.

There was silence for a few seconds. “Well. That’s that.” Carol said in a low voice, and suddenly Therese was transported back to their first meeting, thinking about how much had changed between them. How different the woman sat in front of her now, eyes shining with tears, was in comparison to then. Carol continued to look at Therese, her gaze intense as she tilted her head and watched Therese as though she was trying to commit every part of her to memory. Therese just sat there, she didn’t know what to say or what to do as she watched Carol. 

“I love you.” Carol breathed. Therese’s eyes widened as she tried to form the words that stuck there but it was impossible. 

Just impossible.

Then suddenly, she heard her name being called from across the room. Carol looked up, surprised as Therese turned around to greet the man who had unknowingly interrupted the most intimate moment that the two women had ever shared. It all happened very fast after that, Carol left, leaving Therese in a state of shock. She got up as if to follow her but it was if her legs were preventing her from going near those stairs and following the woman who had just declared her love. Instead she rushed to the bathroom, washing her face with cold water as though the shock of it would wake her up from the daze that she found herself in. Therese felt almost tearful but there was no time to cry as she was rushed into a taxi and then into a party that she didn’t want to be at. She stood, clasping a beer tightly in her hands at the edge of the room. She had always felt like the outsider since breaking up with Richard, as much as she was still friends with Dannie and Phil it had changed. Meeting Carol had changed her, she felt different as though just the mere presence of the woman had matured her and made her realise that there was more to life than getting drunk every weekend with a man so set in his ways that it managed to make her uncomfortable. 

Therese took another sip of her beer, watching the people milling around the room as she heard the door opening behind her. A dark haired woman walked in, cheeks still red from the cold as she pulled her hat off of her head and jacket from her shoulders, Therese turned around again. She could feel the woman’s gaze penetrating her from behind as she walked into the crowd of people in the kitchen, before standing at the window and looking down at the street below. Therese had been stood like that for a while as conversations carried on around her before the woman came over, obviously eager to impress. She continued to shift her hand from her hip to her face to her hip again, movements that Therese began to find annoying as the woman continued to flirt, oblivious to Therese’s distaste. Finally, Therese politely excused herself in search of a secluded space. Entering the bathroom she lit a cigarette, staring at the sink, mind whirling, questions flitting through her head like birds that had been let out of a padlocked cage without permission.

A knock on the door startled her, “Sorry, I’ll be out in the minute” she called out before stubbing out her cigarette on the ashtray next to the bath. It was time to go. She said her goodbyes to Phil, hugging him before passing a room with Dannie inside, he was watching a film with a girl next to him as he marked something down in his notebook. At least Dannie hadn’t changed, thought Therese. She ran out of the door into the crisp evening and hailed a taxi, Carol’s words running through her head over and over again making Therese even more desperate to get to her as quickly as possible.

“I love you.”

Finally she arrived, running up the stairs into the building, removing her coat and smoothing down her hair as she walked into the Oak Room with the host calling after her about a reservation. Time seemed to stop as Therese looked around the vast space, filled with diners. None of whom were Carol. She continued to walk forward, sidestepping around waiters and other diners who were wandering around until she saw her. Sat there, one hand tangled in her hair the other gesturing around as she talked avidly and listened attentively to the people with her. Therese didn’t take any notice of them, she just continued to walk towards Carol as she laughed at something one of the men had said and tilted her head in the way that Therese loved so much, she smiled widely and looked around the room before her eyes landed on Therese. A smile ghosted her lips as Therese came ever closer until finally Therese stood still, both women watching each other.

It was love. 

Carol continued to sit there in silence staring at Therese as her smile grew before remembering where she was. Calling the waiter over she summoned a chair for Therese directly opposite her and introduced her to the rest of the table, they engaged in polite conversation but the only thing Therese could focus on was Carol. Her lips, her eyes, her hair, her laugh. It had always been Carol and it would always be Carol, Therese thought as she laughed with one of the other diners at their table, conscious of Carol staring at her from across the table. It seemed like an age until Carol deemed it polite enough to excuse them, making an excuse about them both having to work early the next morning before shaking the hands of the men and kissing the woman on the cheeks. Therese did the same, putting her coat on and holding Carol’s bag for her as she did so. They bid the other diners goodnight, placed a few dollar bills on the table to cover the cost of dinner and walked out together into the night. 

Carol looked at Therese, standing there with her arms folded across her body to shut out the cold.

“Come on.” Carol said, “Let’s go home.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> So, it's been a while (honestly I didn't realise how long it's been since I started this fic but Christmas just gets in the way) but here I am finally with another chapter, hopefully it's okay:)
> 
> I just wanted to say, (because I'm incredibly cringey;) that I really really adore this fandom and all the people in it, it's so amazing to put something out and have it received so well with all the lovely comments and feedback and kudos; I can't actually articulate how much I appreciate it. I can't say thank you enough for letting me into this fandom and being so lovely<3\. 
> 
> So anyway, just, thank you I guess and I hope this chapter is okay:) Thanks guys!  
> CharlotteXx

It was only when Carol had stopped a taxi and directed it to her flat, did Therese understand the enormity of what she had just done. She had entered a life of secrecy with Carol, being unable to express any obvious affection outside of closed doors like other couples. That was why, when she felt Carol’s hand brush against hers lightly she jerked her hand up involuntarily and moved away slightly. Therese saw Carol look at her with concern out of the corner of her eye but she continued to stare out of the window, forcing herself not to look at the woman beside her. She didn’t want to see her eyes and the hurt that was likely to be reflected in them, she really didn’t want to see that.

Finally they arrived at the flat. Carol paid the driver and opened Therese’s door for her, letting the cool night air brush over Therese’s face, calming her almost instantly. Carol stood there watching her for a moment as she had done in the restaurant before cautiously placing a hand on her shoulder and guiding her towards the door of the building. Therese turned around and smiled, as if to say it was okay, and it was. It was those comforting, unconscious gestures that Therese had missed during the time they had spent apart. The light touches that brushed up and down Therese’s arms, the caressing of her jaw or cheeks or Carol’s long elegant fingers that stroked her scalp and ran through her hair making Therese giggle and lean more into her touch. It was as though a gate had just been opened and a tidal wave of memories and emotions had rushed out uncontrollably, memories and emotions that Therese had been holding in successfully for the months that her and Carol were apart.

As soon as she entered the flat, Therese could see aspects of Carol in every corner. The large airy flat was mostly painted white, she could see that there were a few frames on the wall with Rindy and Carol placed inside and an empty one at the end, for a picture that hadn’t been taken yet. The couch took up most of the room as it sat in the middle facing the wide windows that overlooked the street below, allowing whoever was sat there to see the pedestrians below, perhaps while drinking a coffee or listening to the radio. There was a bookshelf built into one of the walls next to an armchair and a sideboard that was filled with what looked like, bottles of alcohol. Therese walked slowly back towards the kitchen, taking note of the clean marble counters and the fresh fruit in the bowl that acted as a centre piece on the small table, big enough for two, or three if there was extra company. She looked at Carol who was standing there silently, waiting, watching.

‘Do you want to see the bedroom? There are two but I thought maybe the other one would be for Rindy if she ever comes to stay.’ She looked momentarily wounded but recovered quickly, smiling as Therese nodded wordlessly. Carol took hold of her arm and laced their fingers together before leading Therese past the living room and through to the bedroom, stopping at the doorway and gently pushing her into the room. Therese looked around briefly and then back at Carol who gave a small smile of encouragement and a wave of her hand.

There was a king-sized bed in the centre of the room, covered in a white comforter that had pink roses inching up the sides of the bed. There was a bedside table with a lamp placed on top and a small cabinet in the corner of the bedroom which, when Therese looked closer; had an assortment of perfumes and makeup containers on the top alongside a picture frame which had a picture of a younger Carol and Abby stood closely together, arms slung on top of each other’s shoulders, both grinning widely at the camera. Jealousy hit Therese almost instantly but it also reminded her that they needed to talk.

Carol, sensing her mood change looked at Therese before moving back towards the filter coffee machine in the kitchen. She retrieved two mugs from the cupboard overhead; poured the coffee in and added a spoonful of sugar and a splash of milk for Therese as she knew she liked it, leaving hers black and bitter and strong. She remembered the first time on their trip that they had had a cup of coffee together.

_Therese had suggested that they share a cup not realising how Carol drank her coffee until she had some, pressing her lips against the lipstick stain when she thought Carol wasn’t looking and taking a long slow sip. Carol had smiled when she had seen Therese surreptitiously turning the mug back around so she could drink from the same spot that Carol had, and laughed out loud when she watched Therese grimacing and struggling to keep the hot liquid in her mouth as she swallowed it as quickly as she could._

_“Why darling,” Carol had said, watching Therese carefully. “Whatever is the matter?” Therese had stared at Carol dead in the eyes, an incredulous expression on her face as though she couldn’t believe that she could even ask that question._

_“How can you even drink that?” She asked, almost outraged at the thought. “It tastes like mud but it has the consistency of dishwater, it’s just so bitter.” Therese exclaimed as she passed the mug back to Carol who took another drink, closing her eyes as she did so. “It’s just slightly ironic,” Therese said watching Carol closely. “Because you’re possibly the least bitter person I’ve ever met and yet you drink the most revolting, harsh coffee I think I’ve ever tasted.” Carol looked surprised and flushed for a moment before she composed herself, the coffee in her hand giving her time to think of a response to Therese’s statement. It was strange hearing Therese being outspoken like that, she was normally quite reserved around Carol, cautious even._

_“Quite the charmer Miss Belivet,” Carol said with a smile. “I like it bitter anyways, it’s refreshing.” She took another sip as if to prove her point and tilted her head slightly on one side, the rumpled curls brushing down one side of her face as she continued to watch Therese out of her uncovered eye. Carol had never wanted to kiss Therese more than that moment but she forced herself to stay where she was, preoccupying her lips with the mug of coffee she was holding._

_“Refreshing is one word I would not use to describe it.” Therese replied, smiling widely at Carol before taking the mug gently out of her hands and drinking from it again._

Carol smiled at the memory as she walked over to the couch in the flat, placing the mugs carefully down on the table and gesturing for Therese to join her. She looked slightly unsettled as Therese sat next to her but gave a tight smile and passed her the cup of coffee that she had placed on the table.

“I would have suggested that we share a coffee but-” Carol started.

“But, your coffee is disgusting and I still haven’t changed my mind on it since the last time we shared one.” Therese finished, sounding slightly blunter than she intended.

“Yes, quite.” Carol turned away and retrieved her cup from the table, taking a sip before putting it down again, seemingly deep in thought as she stared off into the distance before suddenly looking back at Therese. “But enough about coffee, what are you thinking?” Carol asked, looking intensely at her as she struggled to think of an answer. It was hard enough to think without adding Carol into the mix, Carol who was sat _very_ close to Therese, their knees brushing, the scent of her perfume strong and overwhelming. Therese had always found that perfume intoxicating, from that first moment in the department store to their meeting in the Ritz it was all she could ever smell, Carol’s Perfume.

Therese gave a low hum of thought before answering. “I’m just a little overcome, I guess I just didn’t think I would ever be here. With you.” Carol nodded wordlessly, looking down at Therese’s hands and clasping them in her own, caressing her palms and rubbing her thumb gently, unconsciously up and down Therese’s wrist. Therese looked surprised at the contact but seemed to wake herself up almost instantly, keeping her hands joined with Carol’s but sitting up a little straighter on the couch. “That doesn’t mean I’ll be definitely moving in here, there’s still a lot to think about.”

Carol nodded again, looking at Therese with tears swimming in her eyes. She wiped them away quickly, laughing slightly as she did so. “Of course darling, whatever you- whatever _we_ , need to do or think about comes first.” Carol’s normally pristine curls were falling out a little where she had brushed her hands through them without thinking, they were like a curtain across her face, obscuring part of her vision. Without thinking Therese reached across and pushed Carol’s hair behind her ears, an unconscious gesture that didn’t go unnoticed.

Carol reached over and pulled Therese gently across the couch until they were so close Therese could feel Carol’s hot breath across her face, she was sat in an uncomfortable position but all Therese could think about were the hands that gently stroked her cheeks and her neck before moving back up to her cheeks.

Carol’s hands were deliciously soft, Therese leaned her cheek into them, wishing that they could stay suspended in time together like that forever. Frozen like statues, like a painting, just how they wanted to be shown to the world. Their true selves and nothing else, ignoring the society around them and the hatred that came from it. Everything was Carol and that was all it was and all it needed to be.

Then, Carol’s lips replaced the hands that had been on Therese’s neck. She gasped, taken aback as Carol gently trailed kisses up and down her neck, feather light but still very much there. Therese’s hands found their way to Carol’s waist, pulling them even closer together as Carol found her way up to Therese's cheek and opened her eyes, brushing their noses together.

“Oh, Carol.” Therese breathed, “I’ve missed you, I’ve missed you.”

_I’ve missed you._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies!
> 
> I've finally posted and hmmm, I'm kind of unsure about this chapter but I had to work through the writer's block so I've done my best and I hope you like it. Oooh also please let me know if there are any glaring grammatical or spelling errors, I've proof read it as best I could but I'm bound to have missed something. (There's a lot o' emotions in this chapter so I just wanted to crack it out as best I could, it's a bit of a rollercoaster, so to speak.)
> 
> Hope you're all having a good time and the New Year has been great for you so far!<3
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Charlotte Xx

Light flooded through the bedroom curtain; bathing Therese in a warm glow that seemed to spread right across her body and into her bones, it settled there and the calmness that she felt was something that she hadn’t felt in a long time. She could feel the heat from the body beside her and she turned round, shifting gently until she was facing Carol who lay there, her arm outstretched, golden curls falling across her cheek lazily. Therese couldn’t describe how it felt to wake up beside Carol; she was a vision and Therese had been mesmerised from the very first moment that she had seen her in the department store. She had never been someone to believe in love at first sight or soulmates but the moment that she had seen Carol was the moment that she had fallen in love, and she had fallen hard. Harder and faster than she might have liked though, which had led her to get hurt, destroyed even. Therese really didn’t want to go through that again.

She didn’t think that she could deal with it for the second time, hell she hardly dealt with it the first time. It had actually been Abby who had helped her and guided her through it after the trip. She had dropped Therese off at her apartment before giving her a firm smile and shoving a scrap of paper in her direction with her phone number on it. Therese had been too proud at first to even think about picking up the phone to call but eventually she did and it had been one of the best decisions she’d ever made. Abby had arrived with a bottle of wine and a couple of one-liners and then Therese had cried on her for hours, Abby had wiped her tears away and told her it wasn’t the end of the world.

And it wasn’t. It had hurt for a long time but Therese finally fully understood the meaning behind the words that Abby said the first time they had met - that things change. Because things _did_ change and as much as Therese wanted everything to fall back into place as quickly and easily as it had when they first met she knew that it couldn’t, and it wouldn’t. Nothing would be the same and yet maybe that wasn’t a bad thing. Therese had changed, her new found confidence and maturity meant that she wasn’t afraid to make her feelings known, she wasn’t that same meek girl who had followed Carol around like a lost puppy, like her whole life depended on her because it didn’t. It really didn’t.

Therese had actually asked Abby not to tell Carol that they had been talking to each other, she had felt childish and hated herself as soon as she had mentioned it but she didn’t want to put Carol or Abby in an impossible situation where they felt like they had to be passing information about each other from person to person. Abby’s friendship with Carol meant that Therese hadn’t been sure that she would say yes, but she had agreed, saying that she would tell Carol that all she knew of Therese was her new job at the Times. It was an impossible situation but at the time Therese believed that she had done the right thing, looking at the woman in front of her now though, she was less sure. As soon as she had seen Carol in the Ritz the wall that she had built up in order to try and convince herself that she could do better without her had dissolved easily, like sugar in a warm cup of tea she had melted under her gaze. Because whilst everything had changed, so had nothing. Her feelings for Carol hadn’t faded; if anything they were more intense than ever – it seemed as though months apart had only strengthened the feelings that Therese harboured for Carol as much as she didn’t want to admit it to herself.

She studied Carol closely, admiring the way her silk slip clung to her skin closely, watching as her chest rose and fell with each breath and the curl that had found itself resting on the curve of her mouth floated up and down seemingly in mid-air as she exhaled deeply. Therese thought that she must have been the most beautiful woman that she had ever seen, she was totally unabashedly obsessed with her – no one could or would ever compare to Carol.

Therese’s mind flashed back to the party, to Genevieve’s desperate almost pathetic attempt at flirting that allowed Therese to see who she really wanted, all other women paled in comparison to Carol. It was as though they were faint watercolours against an already drab background whereas Carol was an oil painting, unapologetically bold and colourful, grabbing the attention of everyone who came into contact with her and dazzling them into submission with a twitch of her hair or a gentle hand on her hip that commanded respect without seeming obviously forthright.

Therese reached out her hand and brushed a few stray curls away from Carol’s cheek, caressing the skin gently as she did so and smiling as she heard a slow ‘hmmm’. Carol slowly stretched and moved the rest of her hair aside clumsily before opening her eyes and looking straight at Therese as though seeing her for the very first time. Carol’s eyes slowly raked up and down her body appraisingly and Therese felt her cheeks flush red, she was intoxicating – like a drug that Therese wanted to just keep taking and taking until she couldn’t handle it anymore.

“What time is it darling?” Carol murmured, her voice thick with sleep, her eyes glancing down to Therese’s lips and then back up to her eyes before Therese sat up and peered over at the clock on the table. The light filtering in from the gap in the curtains blinded her momentarily as she tried to read the numbers on the clock.

“It’s nine thirty.” She flopped back down onto the pillow and put an arm over her face to try and block out the sun, which seemed determined to shine into the bedroom from every angle possible. Then; as though only just remembering that Carol was in the bed next to her she burrowed into her side, pushing her face gently into her neck and inhaling the sweet scent of her perfume. Carol gave a low ‘hmmm’ of appreciation and moved closer to Therese, entwining their legs and putting her arm around her waist almost protectively.

“I can’t stay here, you know?” Therese said suddenly, wishing as soon as she had said it that she had worded it differently, so it didn’t seem so harsh. She felt Carol stiffen beside her and the arm that had been placed precariously around her waist drew back slightly until it was by her side. Therese missed the contact instantly, she sat up slightly facing forward before looking back at Carol who looked so desperately _sad_ next to her.

“I thought-“ Carol swallowed, looked close to tears but held herself back. “Actually, I’m not sure what I thought.” She lay there, contemplating something for a moment before pulling herself up to sit next to Therese with her head resting against the headboard. Therese took her hand gently, admiring the red nail polish and the long elegant fingers.

“It’s not that I don’t want to.” She said, attempting to reassure Carol. “It’s just that, I don’t think I’m ready. Not after last time. It’s not a no, it’s just a not yet.” Carol nodded at Therese; gave her a watery smile and then placed her hands gently on her cheeks, bringing her in closer to kiss her carefully on the lips as though Therese was made from china and could shatter and break apart at any second.

“I understand darling, you can stay another night if you want to though?” Carol’s eyes were almost pleading, this was a completely different woman than who Therese had met all those months ago. Carol seemed softer now, less sharp and defensive, still mature and refined but also more emotional and open.

“Well, I do need to go home at some point today, if only to get some clothes for tomorrow. And I’ll need some pyjamas, as much as I love these ones you lent me they suit you much better.” She pulled at the pale blue silk material gently and put her head on Carol’s shoulder.

“I think you look sweet in them.” Carol laughed lightly and gently pulled the fabric down one of her shoulders, exposing the skin. “In fact, I think you look wonderful.” She punctuated each word with a kiss, languishing at the sensitive point just above her breast, making Therese moan deeply. “Beautiful, really.” Therese blushed and ran her fingers gently through Carol’s curls before linking their fingers together and pressing a kiss on Carol’s knuckle.

“I can’t believe that I got so lucky as to meet you,” Therese murmured as she looked down at their hands, reflecting on the number of times over the months she had spent without Carol that she had wished that they could have been sat there together, exactly as they were at that moment. Together and separate from the rest of the world, just Carol and Therese.

It was almost painful to have to drag herself out of the bed but eventually Carol unwound their hands and swung her legs out of the bed, pausing to pull the comforter straight and stretch her body out, groaning as she did so. Therese couldn’t keep her eyes off of Carol as she stood there seemingly oblivious to Therese’s eyes raking up and down the full length of her body. Suddenly though she noticed her staring and looked at Therese with a cat-like grin gracing her lips, lighting up her face.

“Darling, if you keep looking at me like that there is no way we will be leaving this bedroom today and as much as I love spending time with you, you already said that you needed some clothes from your apartment and I definitely need a shower right now, and a coffee, and maybe some pancakes.” She paused in thought for a second before winking at Therese and turning round to saunter into the kitchen, swaying her hips as she did so. Therese sighed heavily; looking up at the ceiling and smiling absent-mindedly as she heard Carol banging around in the kitchen – Carol had always hated cooking, not that she had had to do it when she was living with Harge but as far as Therese knew, she hadn’t even began teaching Rindy to bake when she was living there, instead leaving that down to Florence.

 _Rindy_.

Therese’s smile faded instantly when she thought of the little girl that Carol had given up for a life with Therese, the little girl who had always been her mother’s pride and joy. Therese’s heart had broken to know that she was living with Harge, as much as he might try she knew that he could never give her the childhood that Carol could. “ _A child needs her mother_ ”, she thought as she reflected on all of the times that she wished she could have had her mother’s advice and guidance to help her through the harder times in her life. And now, Therese realized, Carol would be floating between one visit with Rindy and the next, wishing that she hadn’t left her in the care of a man who could never do the things that a mother would, he could never properly help her through her first period or her first boyfriend, not like Carol could.

Therese had begun to spiral deeper when Carol walked in, two mugs of steaming coffee in her hands as she quietly sung a tune that she must have heard on the radio. She stopped in the doorway as she saw Therese’s look of utter desperation and rushed over to her side, dumping the mugs on the side table as soon as she saw the first tears fall.

“Darling, what’s the matter?” She asked, smoothing Therese’s hair with gentle hands as she silently sobbed on Carol.

“I just c-can’t believe that you’ve g-given up a life with R-Rindy and i-it’s all my fault, she should h-have her mother w-with her.” Therese hiccupped, totally inconsolable as Carol looked at her in shock. She pulled Therese closer to her as she continued to cry, resting her chin on top of Therese’s head in thought.

“Therese, look at me.” Carol said, her voice thick with emotion as she sat there running her fingers through Therese’s hair, trying her best to calm her down as best as she could. It seemed like she wasn’t going to look at Carol but then she turned her face up towards her, tear stained cheeks and red nose making Carol feel desperately sad at the fact that Therese believed that Carol’s decision was her fault.

“This isn’t your fault.” She said gently, wiping a stray tear away from Therese’s cheek. “I have made my own decision about my child based on what I think is right for her, and at this point that is living with Harge. Whilst you played a part in that, you weren’t what I based everything on. I mean darling, think about it, if you hadn’t arrived at the Oak Room last night I would still be here, in this apartment without Rindy because living with Harge was making me exhausted and I couldn’t live like that anymore. Living against my own grain.” Carol laughed almost bitterly, staring into space before looking down at Therese and giving her a firm kiss on the cheek. “You are a huge part of my life and so is my daughter, so I did what I believed to be the right thing. And now we are here and it is definitely not your fault Therese, it’s my decision. Okay?”

Carol looked down at her hands noticing that they were shaking, she clasped them together and put them in her lap, waiting for Therese to answer. Slowly, Therese’s sobs subsided and she found it in herself to look up again at Carol who gave her an encouraging smile and a nod. “Okay. I’m sorry I just know what it’s like to grow up without a mother and I don’t want that for-“

Carol cut her off. “Rindy won’t be growing up without her mother, I’ll be here whenever she comes to visit. She just won’t be with me all the time. I won’t vanish out of her life, Therese, and I won’t let Harge erase me either.” She stood up suddenly, walking over to the mugs on the table and picking them up, handing one to Therese.

“I’m not leaving you, Therese. And I’m certainly not leaving Rindy either.”


End file.
